I think maybe it's not communicated enough that if you are neurodivergent, the environment itself can & will interact with one of the glitches in how your mind works, and maybe you'll lose your groove, or get stuck in a loop, or have a manic hyperfocus, or deadlock over something others could tolerate.

getting beyond stuck points like this often requires either good luck, or developing insight into the nature of the stuckness. and those preconditions can take a long time to arise.

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reminder: it's possible just by luck of the draw to live most of your life in environments which are compatible with your temperament & limitations, and then luck changes and you refine your self-understanding, perhaps painfully.

important also reminder: it's possible by luck of the draw to be born into or thrust into environments which are *in*compatible with your temperament & limitations. this can be traumatic when it happens young.

in either case, recognizing this helps with improving it.

just amazing to watch the Medical Establishment absolutely *refuse* to suggest supplementing vitamin D, as more & more & more correlations between deficiency and poor outcome in COVID-19 keep piling up.

mh, "freeze mode" 

discrimination, meds 

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discrimination, meds 

small life lessons, living w/mh issues + roommates 

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so I'll be in the same room with about 11,000 lumens of lights on a timer from say 4am to 5:30pm.. to balance my circadian needs with the needs of the random plants that are ostensibly what's being lit.

I haven't had automated circadian lighting for over a year now, I've deeply missed it. I manually turn lights on around me during the day and have stuck to my melatonin, my sleep is less well regulated but still pretty good.

If I don't keep this routine, my sleep gets weird, then *I* get weird.

small life lessons, living w/mh issues + roommates 

are things like hyperscheduling, workaholism, and obsessive cleanliness actually the equivalent of stimming for highly linear normie minds with a leaning toward anxiety/OCD?

you know despite how constantly depleted I am, I do try to engage with the autistic weekend child here in ways which I hope make clear that I'm interested in actually relating

when people enter a room she's in, she'll often tell them a fact or idea that's on her mind, I'm noticing that the ones she offers to me tend to be more complex and require more speech effort than typical, and are sometimes more personally relevant.

and this morning when I came upstairs she waved and ran over for a hug.

Step 1: realize that constantly putting effort into one-sided relationships is a deadly trap

Step 2: become bone-meltingly weary of literally every surviving relationship becoming an endless cycle of finding the "right" distance by self-editing, limiting communication, adjusting expectations (yours or others'), etc.

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Life Worth Living

coronavirus microbiology 

what's also tough is when these people are also your friends, and you're pretty sure that *they* don't even understand they're bullshitting or otherwise unwilling to do the actual work.

I can't really overstate how bad a trap this is for me, I've burned many months of my life waiting on bullshitters because at this point I haven't figured out how not to be dependent on regular social feedback to get anything done.

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tfw people claim to want to develop freelance business with you, but are intractably resistant to all attempts at project management, or even scheduling times to work on whatever you're supposedly collaborating on.

eventually one must understand that the real problem is that for whatever reason these people are all talk, and they're unwilling to do the actual work required in any real collaboration.

this seems *really* common, and I still have a lot of trouble detecting bullshitters early.

I did however check my email today after slowly surfacing over the past... week? and discovered that my mind had been deep in the weeds for about 6 weeks, judging by the accretion. due to burnout from not having solved how to meet my sensory needs on a near zero budget.

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in other news I haven't started a purposeful media diet yet, but something is changing in my head and my news consumption and social media pattern is shifting.

a bit less attention to news & politics, a bit more to art, makers, and trying to do some of that in my own life as well.

but also starting to get exhausting things like banking and id cards and other paperwork of society in order, such that I can exist as a legal entity in 2020.

I haven't meditated in two days because of spending the weekend away from home, despite bringing my cushion and thinking about it at the perfect time.

part of it is the usual thing my mind does where these conditions do not produce sufficient motivation until I've daydreamed about doing the thing enough.

but another part is resistance.

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