I think maybe it's not communicated enough that if you are neurodivergent, the environment itself can & will interact with one of the glitches in how your mind works, and maybe you'll lose your groove, or get stuck in a loop, or have a manic hyperfocus, or deadlock over something others could tolerate.
getting beyond stuck points like this often requires either good luck, or developing insight into the nature of the stuckness. and those preconditions can take a long time to arise.
reminder: it's possible just by luck of the draw to live most of your life in environments which are compatible with your temperament & limitations, and then luck changes and you refine your self-understanding, perhaps painfully.
important also reminder: it's possible by luck of the draw to be born into or thrust into environments which are *in*compatible with your temperament & limitations. this can be traumatic when it happens young.
in either case, recognizing this helps with improving it.
the bigger takeaway here is that I need to rebuild my capacity to order from overseas so that I can manage my own medication as needed. my favorite vendor of non-scheduled medications disappeared a couple years ago.
my main threat model here is mostly economic (concern about not being able to be prescribed meds, pay for them, etc) as well as The Collapse of Industrial Civilization. if I am experiencing either of these I need sufficient medication to taper.
so, ~2mo already since a pharmacy employee denied me an extra 30 days I was prescribed of two meds which will cause withdrawal if I stop suddenly.
due in part to my weariness, plus trying to resolve this with staff at the health center, my stockpile is now -30 days from where I started.
but, I just requested refills a week early to start rebuilding it. there was no resistance. (the discriminatory employee was previously overruled and educated on policy by management.)
small life lessons, living w/mh issues + roommates
(and on the roommates + noise situation...
they're mostly pretty quiet, it's definitely my hypersensitivity, they're doing nothing wrong or even out of the ordinary.
the rage response is automatic, and comes in great part because I currently do not have a way to meet my "recharge" needs for quiet & solitude.
either fixing that, or going further in learning to dissociate the unpleasant stimuli from the emotional response, will eventually help)
so I'll be in the same room with about 11,000 lumens of lights on a timer from say 4am to 5:30pm.. to balance my circadian needs with the needs of the random plants that are ostensibly what's being lit.
I haven't had automated circadian lighting for over a year now, I've deeply missed it. I manually turn lights on around me during the day and have stuck to my melatonin, my sleep is less well regulated but still pretty good.
If I don't keep this routine, my sleep gets weird, then *I* get weird.
small life lessons, living w/mh issues + roommates
I was filled with churning anger all day bc my two most "type A" roommates are home and one is being ultra-industrious, and I was burnt out by this 3-day weekend on day 1. I still haven't learned to sublimate that shit without experiencing it for hours first.
then, the one I've been friends with for years bought $132 worth of lights so I can build a little indoor garden with a (very bright) circadian lighting element right next to where I sleep.
you know despite how constantly depleted I am, I do try to engage with the autistic weekend child here in ways which I hope make clear that I'm interested in actually relating
when people enter a room she's in, she'll often tell them a fact or idea that's on her mind, I'm noticing that the ones she offers to me tend to be more complex and require more speech effort than typical, and are sometimes more personally relevant.
and this morning when I came upstairs she waved and ran over for a hug.
Step 1: realize that constantly putting effort into one-sided relationships is a deadly trap
Step 2: become bone-meltingly weary of literally every surviving relationship becoming an endless cycle of finding the "right" distance by self-editing, limiting communication, adjusting expectations (yours or others'), etc.
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Life Worth Living
SARS-CoV-2 Spike mutation D614G directly outcompetes the wild type
"We developed a cell line with inducible ACE2 expression to confirm that D614G more efficiently enters cells [...] we found an increase in [spike protein] trimerization efficiency [...]
Our findings suggest that D614G increases infection of cells expressing a wide range of ACE2, and informs the mechanism underlying enhanced entry."
what's also tough is when these people are also your friends, and you're pretty sure that *they* don't even understand they're bullshitting or otherwise unwilling to do the actual work.
I can't really overstate how bad a trap this is for me, I've burned many months of my life waiting on bullshitters because at this point I haven't figured out how not to be dependent on regular social feedback to get anything done.
tfw people claim to want to develop freelance business with you, but are intractably resistant to all attempts at project management, or even scheduling times to work on whatever you're supposedly collaborating on.
eventually one must understand that the real problem is that for whatever reason these people are all talk, and they're unwilling to do the actual work required in any real collaboration.
this seems *really* common, and I still have a lot of trouble detecting bullshitters early.
I did however check my email today after slowly surfacing over the past... week? and discovered that my mind had been deep in the weeds for about 6 weeks, judging by the accretion. due to burnout from not having solved how to meet my sensory needs on a near zero budget.
in other news I haven't started a purposeful media diet yet, but something is changing in my head and my news consumption and social media pattern is shifting.
a bit less attention to news & politics, a bit more to art, makers, and trying to do some of that in my own life as well.
but also starting to get exhausting things like banking and id cards and other paperwork of society in order, such that I can exist as a legal entity in 2020.
I haven't meditated in two days because of spending the weekend away from home, despite bringing my cushion and thinking about it at the perfect time.
part of it is the usual thing my mind does where these conditions do not produce sufficient motivation until I've daydreamed about doing the thing enough.
but another part is resistance.
following mh topics; talking to anyone
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