had 2 (relatively) highly productive days but neglected self-care a bit and stayed up late in my desperation to milk the productivity and now i'm paying for it with dysphoria, very high irritability, and physical dysregulation.

this shit is so exhausting. I just want my body-mind to be reasonably stable like anybody else's.

it's just amazing how much less I physically move than my relatively chill introvert housemates ... just a stark difference in energy level on all but my most high energy days

You don't have to get even 40 pages into Working with Anger by Thubten Chodron before she lays out a fundamental difference between Western norms & Buddhist norms - namely, the fact that Western societies have baked competition into basically every facet of existence and consider doing so to be virtuous & good, whereas (in her case, Tibetan) Buddhism prefers a cooperative approach.

Well I said I was going to take it easy on myself and not make the first day of working @ the library be too unpleasant, and it was like pulling teeth to start Tasks, so I eventually switched to reading my book.

which is a sadly large number of us, tbh

and those who didn't grow up conditioned in this way really have no authority to speak on it, not that it stops them.

we should probably address how the whole "reach out for help" idea inherently excludes people conditioned as children that any displayed vulnerability was an opening for attack or rejection by family and/or peers

โ€œMost people know about fight, flight, and freeze โ€” but another trauma response, โ€œfawn,โ€ is at the core of what people-pleasing is actually about.

To avoid conflict, negative emotions, and re-traumatization, people who โ€œfawnโ€ when triggered will go out of their way to mirror someoneโ€™s opinions and appease them in order to deescalate situations or potential issues.โ€

letsqueerthingsup.com/2019/06/

i hate when adults label certain kids as bad. they're not "bad kids"; no kids are "bad kids" they're usually just poc or neurodivergent or queer kids you took the liberty of labeling a troublemaker

Well i'm off to a late start, but it's actually going to happen today - the first day of using the library as my office / intentionally setting aside time to get work done.

I keep losing the battle to work on work at home, so I'm changing the venue. This typically works for me for a while before wearing off, but I'm gonna have another try at some more effective work habits at the same time. So we'll see.

This is all part of getting over my extreme aversion to the tech grind. Wish me luck.

(-) mh Show more

(-) mh Show more

mh, personal, sensory Show more

@muninn not sure if you've tried this, but one thing that's helped are artist's self-help books, especially the ones that emphasize self-management of routines and "finding your own path" sorts of approaches. it still doesn't solve things like "how to interact with NTs, let along WASPy ones" or "how to run a small business without feeling like we're being roasted over a spit", but in terms of the process itself, and getting past things like intertia, and even in some ways, sensory overload? definitely helpful.

that might sound almost like a joke but I think there's a key point: a very great number of the experiences I have while not in bed are aversive. period. difficulty getting/staying out of bed makes sense in that light.

i'm still trying to change it, in part by changing my environment and trying to dream up interlocking self-reinforcing habits that I enjoy and thus will stick with. but it's a tremendous amount of work for someone with constitutionally low willpower and no external motivators.

it's like 2 years (decades) later and i'm still struggling with morning routine.. and part of the reason is that the worse I feel the more I want to be in bed, so when I wake up already in a pre-warmed bed, the last thing I want to do is leave it and start having a bunch of experiences which are more aversive than just staying in it, especially if there's going to be a constant background clamor of desire for nonexistence either way.

Tired: micro-aggressions
Wired: micro-compassions

Making a cup of tea and then forgetting to drink it is #ADHD culture

When relationships are determined by manipulation, by the need for control, they may possess a dreary, bickering kind of drama, but they cease to be interesting. They are repetitious; the shock of human possibilities has ceased to reverberate through them.

Iโ€™m starting to think I may finally have internalized the lesson which has taken me so long to learn.

I donโ€™t chase people any more. Not for long, anyway.

If someone doesnโ€™t show fairly consistent effort, Iโ€™m gone. I may return quickly to the exchange if they show up again, but Iโ€™m simply no longer willing to play the chronic relationship imbalance game. It's not healthy or useful to anyone.

Thereโ€™s 30+ years of hard road bound up in this one. So I hope it sticks. Thus far itโ€™s looking good.

It's such a mindfuck to be around people who not only pay attention to what you're saying, but also *care* about what you have to say. In a good way, mind you, but in its own way that's rather depressing, as it paints a pretty bleak picture of experiences past...

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