had 2 (relatively) highly productive days but neglected self-care a bit and stayed up late in my desperation to milk the productivity and now i'm paying for it with dysphoria, very high irritability, and physical dysregulation.
this shit is so exhausting. I just want my body-mind to be reasonably stable like anybody else's.
You don't have to get even 40 pages into Working with Anger by Thubten Chodron before she lays out a fundamental difference between Western norms & Buddhist norms - namely, the fact that Western societies have baked competition into basically every facet of existence and consider doing so to be virtuous & good, whereas (in her case, Tibetan) Buddhism prefers a cooperative approach.
“Most people know about fight, flight, and freeze — but another trauma response, “fawn,” is at the core of what people-pleasing is actually about.
To avoid conflict, negative emotions, and re-traumatization, people who “fawn” when triggered will go out of their way to mirror someone’s opinions and appease them in order to deescalate situations or potential issues.”
Well i'm off to a late start, but it's actually going to happen today - the first day of using the library as my office / intentionally setting aside time to get work done.
I keep losing the battle to work on work at home, so I'm changing the venue. This typically works for me for a while before wearing off, but I'm gonna have another try at some more effective work habits at the same time. So we'll see.
This is all part of getting over my extreme aversion to the tech grind. Wish me luck.
(-) mh Show more
I've gotten too far away from my Zen practice, which is the only promise I've ever encountered of a way to truly cope, and even do so gracefully some of the time.
(-) mh Show more
my bullshit is like thunderstorms in the mid Atlantic trying to organize into something bigger. and it's got some structure & staying power to it now.
something ain't right.
gotta find the way out.
it really all depends on me, even if it's to ask the right people for the right help in the right way until I can.. just understand.. what the fuck is even happening. just long enough to start living my life again without falling into the same trap that's caught me for nearly 30 years.
mh, personal, sensory Show more
only the second time in weeks I get myself to pay attention to highly work-adjacent stuff.. annoying stuff, even, I was confronted with tech rage and was sustaining.. and my housemates CRANK the stereo and start cleaning everything.
now I'm thrown off of what I was doing. but it only took me 5-10 min of sitting there & raging before deploying earplugs & rainwall. so in some sense this could be looked at as an improvement.
@muninn not sure if you've tried this, but one thing that's helped are artist's self-help books, especially the ones that emphasize self-management of routines and "finding your own path" sorts of approaches. it still doesn't solve things like "how to interact with NTs, let along WASPy ones" or "how to run a small business without feeling like we're being roasted over a spit", but in terms of the process itself, and getting past things like intertia, and even in some ways, sensory overload? definitely helpful.
that might sound almost like a joke but I think there's a key point: a very great number of the experiences I have while not in bed are aversive. period. difficulty getting/staying out of bed makes sense in that light.
i'm still trying to change it, in part by changing my environment and trying to dream up interlocking self-reinforcing habits that I enjoy and thus will stick with. but it's a tremendous amount of work for someone with constitutionally low willpower and no external motivators.
it's like 2 years (decades) later and i'm still struggling with morning routine.. and part of the reason is that the worse I feel the more I want to be in bed, so when I wake up already in a pre-warmed bed, the last thing I want to do is leave it and start having a bunch of experiences which are more aversive than just staying in it, especially if there's going to be a constant background clamor of desire for nonexistence either way.
I’m starting to think I may finally have internalized the lesson which has taken me so long to learn.
I don’t chase people any more. Not for long, anyway.
If someone doesn’t show fairly consistent effort, I’m gone. I may return quickly to the exchange if they show up again, but I’m simply no longer willing to play the chronic relationship imbalance game. It's not healthy or useful to anyone.
There’s 30+ years of hard road bound up in this one. So I hope it sticks. Thus far it’s looking good.
following mh topics; talking to anyone
social.coop is a cooperatively-run corner of the Fediverse. The instance is democratically governed by its members, who generally share an interest in the co-op model, but topics of discussion range widely.
Our instance is supported by sliding scale contributions of $1-10/mo made via Open Collective. You must have an active Open Collective account to apply for membership; you may set one up here